Marriage Advice: Are You A Martyr Mommy?
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Send to a friend by YMAuthor: Karen Joness
Eleanor had a problem on her hands. With three young children all requiring lots of help and attention to get ready for school in the morning, and a husband who seemed more interested in taking care of himself than in helping her, the resentment was building to a dangerous boiling point.
Eleanor had a problem on her hands. With three young children all requiring lots of help and attention to get ready for school in the morning, and a husband who seemed more interested in taking care of himself than in helping her, the resentment was building to a dangerous boiling point.
When pressed, she did acknowledge that there were some mornings where he did offer to help without needing to be asked. But she was mad that she ever had to ask. After all, she figured, you’d have to be BLIND or STUPID not to see the chaos and overwhelm she was dealing with every day. So, many mornings, in addition to three breakfasts, three lunches to pack, numerous temper tantrums as shoes or clothes didn’t fit right, someone’s homework to find, she was also packing a pretty hefty load of anger and frustration.
HERS IS A COMMON STORY
Eleanor is making things harder for herself than they need to be. And, with three young kids, she certainly doesn’t need to be doing that! The reality is that there are times he does help on his own, and also, when he is asked, he will help. In fact, it seems like the only reason he doesn’t help at certain times is because, rather than ask, she wants to scream and bitch.
WHAT ELSE IS GOING ON?
In my years of coaching women, I’ve seen a common issue: the belief or attitude that: “if he (boyfriend/husband/etc.) were really a (good/loving/thoughtful/aware/ mature/whatever else here) man, I wouldn’t have to ask!” Boy, does this cause lots of trouble!
Let me give it to you straight and simple: you have to ask.
MIND-READERS ARE RARE
Men need to know what you want. They can’t read our minds. They want to know what the path is to success, so that they don’t risk failure, which is a very bad thing for a man to experience. Think of it this way: you think nothing of taking out a map when you’re driving somewhere you don’t know how to get to, right? Well, this is just like that for men...they need the map. I know, you’re probably saying “but this is the same thing all the time – can’t I just tell him once and then it’s DONE?” Well, that brings us to the next aspect of men...
It is a well-documented fact that men’s and women’s brains function differently. Men are “mono-tracking”, as compared to our “multi-tracking” selves. So, even though you’re fuming at his seeming disregard for the most obvious chaos going on around him (and your crystal-clear need for his help that ANYONE could see!), I will bet you that he isn’t even aware of it. He’s off in another world, solving this or that problem in his head. You’ll be much happier if you just give him the benefit of the doubt, assume he wants to help, and just ask.
INTIMACY BLOCKER
The other thing that doesn’t work in this situation is choosing to suffer and feel bitchy, rather than ask for help (hence the title of this article!). Could it be that there is some part of us that feels more comfortable being resentful and/or bitchy? I’ve certainly seen lots of women over the years that have felt so resistant to intimacy and vulnerability (most often not very consciously) that things get created in a relationship to keep that distance (which resentment certainly provides!). If that is going on, please figure out how to stop that habit - quickly. Whatever pain from our past causes this behavior, we have more ways to get what we really need than to drive a wedge between us and our men.
We all want to feel loved, accepted, and respected in our relationships. If we can remember that men really are different, and need to be asked (respectfully, of course) rather than standing on our righteous position that he should “know”, we can all feel good and trust that we are cherished for exactly who we are. And we can get the help we need with those energetic and demanding kids, or projects, or chores around the house, or…
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