What To Tell Your Teen About Getting Along With Peers
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As a teenager it is important to understand that there will always be a certain amount of conflict and turmoil among your peers. This is because being a teen is all about "winning." Whether it is actually winning in some real competition, or just feeling good about yourself it is still "winning." By finding ways to help other win you bring joy and value to their world as well as your own.
As a teenager it is important to understand that there will always be a certain amount of conflict and turmoil among your peers. This is because being a teen is all about “winning.” Whether it is actually winning in some real or contrived competition, or just feeling good about yourself it is still “winning”. By finding ways to help other win you bring joy and value to their world as well as your own.
So how do you help them win? It is actually very easy, if you focus on a few simple rules.
The Rules:
Understand the Individuals
If you want to have credibility with your peers, don’t take shortcuts or try to cheat the process. Fitting in takes a while. Show people you care about them by taking a real interest in them. Try to get to know them as individuals not just part of this group or that group. As you get to know them, try to understand their unique experiences and talents. No two people have the same background or the same skills, talents, and interests.
Go out of your way to add value to whatever they are doing, when you can. When you do this, it helps them understand that you really want them to win, no strings attached and no hidden agenda of your own. Let them know you understand their world, praise their strengths, and acknowledge their accomplishments.
It is more important to help the group win than for you to win
In healthy school and social environments there is always both competition and teamwork. The trick is in understanding when each is right for you. When it comes to your friends, you want to compete in a way that you are not working against them, but helping fill the gaps.
Winning at all cost will hurt you when it comes to your peers. If your goal is always to beat your peers, than you will have a hard time later being friends or even just being accepted. Recognize your natural need to compete and channel it in a positive way. Healthy competition is good. But remember the goal of any competition is to win, not destroy your opponent. Find a way for even the biggest loser, in any effort, to walk away with some dignity and self respect.
Be a Friend
The best approach to friendship is to make it your goal to be a friend, not to find a friend. As you try to connect with others:
• Listen to them - focus on what they are saying, not what your response will be
• Look for common interests – if you are at school find out what they like to do outside school, if you’re at a sports event ask what other things they like to do, what other clubs or groups do they belong to etc.
• Be available – find time to share with them, just getting to know each other or sharing common experiences. The more things you do together the more you have in common and the stronger your relationship will become
• Have a sense of humor – everything doesn’t always work out, so don’t take it personally and don’t assume the worst
• Tell the truth – even when others don’t, it is always best to be open about what you like and don’t like, what you will and will not do, define the boundaries and communicate them
Don’t Play Games
Be who you are. Changing who you are and what you normally do just to gain acceptance with whomever is currently cool will only cause you problems later. People that play games are fickle. By only doing what they think will win favor or friendship at the moment, they focus on changing positions, sucking up to be popular and using people for personal gain. Do not be one of these people.
In the long run, integrity and consistency always pay off. Avoid gossip, stay away from petty argument, stand up for what you believe, look at all sides of an issue, say what you mean but always mean what you say.
Expand Your Circle
If you wan to grow and expand your awareness you have to expand your circle of acquaintances.
Expanding your circle will expose you to new ideas, help you see things from a different point of view, and help you form new ideas of your own. It will make you learn new ways of communicating with different people and you might pick up some new skills or ways of doing things that will not only make your life better, it will make you more interesting to others.
Don’t Pretend You Are Perfect
Since nobody is perfect, stop pretending. Get real about your own weaknesses and your strengths. Find ways to let other people fill in your weak spots. Actively look for ways to use your strengths to fill in for others as well. People that are open and honest about themselves are approachable and can be trusted. They are also usually a “breath of fresh air’ in a world where everyone seems to be scrambling to be popular. To “get real”, admit your faults, ask for advice, be open to learning new things and try to worry less about what other people think.
If you follow these rules will life as a teenager be easy? Absolutely not! But it will be a little easier and less complicated as you move through life. So what are you waiting for? Get out there, and be yourself.
The last thing to tell them - YOU CAN “WIN”!
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